If Celebrities Ran the Airlines

Recently I had a very weird dream – that all the airlines were run by famous people. Yes, this one’s just for fun but you will also find some money-saving tips sprinkled throughout.

Listen as Rick Seaney and editor Anne McDermott add “a little extra” to this celebrity fantasy:

NannyAir – Owner, Mayor Michael Bloomberg

Hizzoner staffed my plane with forbidding-looking flight attendants whose bite was as bad as their bark. I know because I asked for a whole can of soda and was told, “You’ll have water and you’ll like it.” Then they passed around the snacks: stalks of celery and raw cauliflower. This made me pretty grumpy but I consoled myself because the flight was cheap.

O Airways – Owner, Oprah Winfrey

Now this was more like it! The flight attendants kept telling me and all my seatmates how special we were. Then they gave us a car! But the good times ended when a flight attendant said something about needing to boost ratings so they introduced a retroactive bag fee. Still, the whole experience left me feeling vaguely empowered as well as determined to always use a carry-on.

Air Bieber – Owner, Justin Bieber

Someone’s monkey was brought aboard (the airline owner’s?) and it raced all over the place but what really drove me crazy was the endless loop of something called “Baby” (I’ll have to ask my tween daughter about that). I could endure it all though because it was a Wednesday, one of the cheapest days to fly.

Late Night Air – Owner, Jay Leno/Jimmy Fallon

One minute I’m listening to the pre-flight safety announcements from a pleasant middle-aged flight attendant and the next thing I know, she’s shoved aside┬áby another who appears to better fit the 18 to 49 demographic. Still, they had me and everyone else laughing. It was almost as funny as imagining someone trying to save on airfare when they don’t know the cheapest day to shop.

TMZ Express – Owner, Hot Celebrity of the Moment

Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and various supermodels boarded the plane and with the exception of yours truly, all the other seats were filled with paparazzi. It was tough to sleep with all those camera flashes going off but even tougher to get much of anywhere since the plane only flies from Hollywood to New York and back again. Too bad it was non-stop all the way since connecting flights save money. Still, the food was good and you never had to ask for whole can of soda – it was bottle service all the way. I can also assure you, no one ever gets kicked off these flights for being too fat to fly.

Time to wake up. Time to find a cheap flight for real.

More from Rick Seaney:

6 Imaginary Celeb-Owned Airlines

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Published: April 8, 2013